The book itself is the reward!! April 27, 2009

We recently attended a live theater performance of “Charolette’s Web”. And luckily, we were in the midst of reading the same book by E.B.White (see my earlier blog for a few notes on that). I knew that having read at least a part of the book would definitely help my daughter enjoy and comprehend the live theater performance better. But I was curious to see how she would react after the theater performance of Charolette’s Web – whether she would continue reading the book with as much interest as before now that she knew the story.
The night after the show, we were about to sit down to read and as though she had read my mind, she said – “Amma, now that we have seen the play, should we still read the book?”.
Ha!! Luckily I already had an answer prepared for her. I had identified a few incidents in the book that had failed to make it to the stage performance. These were incidents that we both had found really funny while reading the book. Without winking an eye, I reminded her of those incidents in the book. She was surprised at first that the theater performance had failed to incorporate them. She then started to remember more incidents in the book that failed to appear in the performance. After a while, I popped the question to her – “Do you still want to read the book?”. “Yes!!” was the resounding answer from her. We have continued to read the book with a lot of interest every night.

I would like to bring out two important points from this anecdote.
First, the joy and benefits of reading a book is so different from watching a theater performance or a movie. While I don’t mean to discount the merits of watching these performances on stage or on a movie screen, I want to specially emphasize the merits of reading a book here. This is because, performances – especially movies- engage any child instantaneously and there is no special effort that needs to be expended in order to motivate children to watch movies. But it is not the same for books. Getting children interested in reading books – especially the classics – takes a quite a bit of effort.
Most movies or stage performances based on popular books interpret the books in their own way and present it to the audience. This leaves little scope for the children to critically think about the stories presented to them on stage or in the movies. Whereas, a good book offers lots of opportunities for critical thinking. Moreover, by not having a live visual to comprehend what the book is talking about, the children have to entirely rely on the language in the book in order to understand the plot or characterizations. This automatically increases the language processing capabilities in children.

Second, I would also like to point out some interesting findings from research studies in the context of the anecdote that I described above. Research studies show that “getting children interested in reading is even more important to their eventual success as readers than in helping them with early reading skills”. And research studies have also shown that enticing a child to do something that you want using the promise of rewards will eventually lead to reduced interest for the activity in the child. So, for example, I could have offered her some sort of a extrinsic motivation or a reward for continuing to read the book after we attended the stage performance. I could have said – “Since I’m going to return the book back to the library soon and we don’t know when we can get it back, lets finish the book” or “How about we finish reading the book and you can have a treat then”. All this would have done was to transfer her focus from the book to either returning it to the library asap or dreaming of the treat that she could have after she finishes reading. Eventually, this would have reduced her interest in the book itself. Luckily I didn’t use either of these extrinsic motivators. Since I had an answer ready, I used it to tap her inner motivation to read the book and it worked like a charm!! This doesn’t mean to say that I can be such a “genius” every time I’m faced with such a situation. There have been many instances when I have regretted my responses to her negotiating questions. But I do believe in the importance of persevering and practicing this skill and I am only getting better at it.

Montessori education incorporates both these principles – following the child’s interests and not using extrinsic rewards . Dr. Montessori believed that a child’s personal interests could be connected to every part of the academic curriculum and, that the hands-on materials that she provided as a part of the curriculum could be designed in such a way that they evoked interest for them in a child. Dr. Montessori also strived very hard to design the curriculum and pedagogies in such a way that all extrinsic rewards like grades, toys etc were removed from the child’s environment. She found that when children engaged themselves in the Montessori classroom, they didn’t need to be offered these rewards in order to do the work. They engaged in their work naturally.

I’m sure my daughter’s Montessori school has played a big role in keeping many of her interests active – reading being one of them. But I also do believe that the parents at home shouldn’t heavily conflict with these philosophies, so that the child’s interests stay alive and active!!

Reading together only keeps getting better April 18, 2009

I’ve been reading books to my daughter ever since she was about four months old. She is now five and a half years old. I still remember those baby days and the way she used to stare at the bright colors in the books. She used look up at me and smile when I made a interesting animal sound while reading the book. At about seven months old when she was able to sit up straight, she used to spend quite sometime everyday, flipping the pages of the board books and feeling the texture of the art in them.
When she grew a little older, she used to bring to me each of her favorite books, one after another, so that I could read them to her. Her love for books only increased over the years and I feel that this was one of the main reasons she learned to read when she was only three years old. She probably felt that I didn’t read to her as much as she wanted me to and decided that it was time she took things under her control. I’ve never seen her as motivated to learn anything, as she was when she was learning to read. I can confidently say that it was mainly through her own initiative that she learned to read.
After she learned to read, our nightly bedtime routine changed slightly. Instead of me reading two books to her we started to read one book each to each other. During the afternoons, if we found ourselves at home, we would sit next to each other and read our own separate books to ourselves.
Recently, our reading routine has become more enjoyable than ever. She reads a lot on her own but bedtime has always been the time when we have connected with each other through books. Although I have always enjoyed reading with her immensely, I have to confess that until recently I was not in love with the books that we read to each other, as much as she was. But as her reading interests have matured, I’ve begun to enjoy the books that we read together, very much.
We have been reading E.B. White’s Charlotte’s Web lately. Every night, she has been reading one chapter from this book to me. What a wonderful read this book is!! I would recommend it to any parent who wants to spend quality reading time with their child. I have never experienced animals come to life and talk to each other so naturally, as I have, in this book. And the conversations between these animals is hilarious. Here’s an example:
When the lamb tells Wilbur the young pig that pigs mean less than nothing to him, here’s what Wilbur replies:
“What do you mean, less than nothing? I don’t think there is any such thing as less than nothing. Nothing is absolutely the limit of nothingness. It’s the lowest you can go. It’s the end of the line. How can something be less than nothing? If there were something that was less than nothing, then nothing would not be nothing, it would be something – even though it’s just a very little bit of something. But if nothing is nothing, then nothing has nothing that is less than it is”
Wow! We both laughed so hard when we read this. We couldn’t stop laughing for a while!!
Nowadays, I feel that we enjoy reading each book that we read together, the same amount. What can be better than that!! The day when she doesn’t want us to read together anymore – I hope that day never comes.

"Taare Zameen Par" – an educational movie for parents April 13, 2009

“Taare Zameen Par” (meaning Stars on Earth) is an Indian movie which tells the story of a dyslexic boy who grows up to be eight years old without anyone around him recognizing that he is dyslexic. The boy shows above average intelligence in every other area except in the written language. And because the school system relies on the written language to test the child’s level of intelligence in every other discipline, the boy is not able to show his progress in any other subject area as well. The movie portrays the pathetic state of the Indian education system which compounds the boy’s problems by constantly criticizing his inability to do well at school. As a result of this he also suffers from very low self-esteem. Luckily he encounters a new teacher in his school who recognizes his disability and offers him special therapy and training to help him learn how to read and write. Once he catches up on his reading and writing skills, he blends easily into his academic curriculum.

The movie tells the story of millions of dyslexic people all over the world, It is estimated that in U.S alone, about three to ten percent of the school-aged children are dyslexic. While there doesn’t seem to be any official figure on the number of dyslexic children in India, I would assume that the percentages are something similar to U.S – which puts the number of dyslexic children in India in the order of many millions.
The problem of dyslexia results from differences in how the brain processes written and spoken language. Some of the difficulties that result from dyslexia are – confusion with before/after,right/left, difficulty with spelling and reading, difficulty with handwriting, difficulty in organization skills and so on. While there is no cure for dyslexia, dyslexic children/adults can be treated by giving specialized phonics instruction which can mitigate the reading deficits. Access to written material in a variety of other formats (eg: audio) and fonts can also help dyslexic children learn better.
It is also important to note that dyslexic children can be integrated into mainstream classrooms quite easily if dyslexia is detected early enough and treated. Because most schools impart education and test children in the written language, it is mandatorily required to have all children learn to process written language – which is exactly what a dyslexic child cannot do. But once the dyslexic children are trained in special ways to process written language, they can integrate easily into mainstream classrooms.

During my school years, growing up in India, there was very little awareness about dyslexia and other learning disabilities. With large class sizes in every classroom and a teacher training program that didn’t address how to recognize learning disabilities in children, many children who were dyslexic often fell through the cracks of the school system. The Indian educational system is very competitive with children who secure good grades in the examinations are often encouraged by everyone around them and are labelled as gifted. Other children who score average grades in the exams, while not valued by the society as up to the same level as the so called “gifted children”, often make it through the education system and if lucky eventually find their “calling” in life and pursue their passion quite successfully. It is the children who score below average in the examinations who have a tough time in the Indian society. Often criticized by the society for not being “intelligent” because they don’t score well in academic subjects, many of them suffer from very low self-esteem. What is even worse is that many of them may be suffering from a learning disability conditions like dyslexia which, if detected, can be treated – but no one may have detected this condition in them.
Worse still is the state of many families of dyslexic children in India who not only are unaware of this learning disability but are also not able to share their child’s learning problems publicly due to the fear of their child being labeled by the society as “mentally retarded”. Dyslexia is not a condition of mental retardation. From what I’ve observed in the U.S, adults talk freely about their and their children’s problems related to dyslexia or other learning disabilities. Because they are able to share their problems with others, they are also able to access support groups and special help to address the problem. In addition, the public education system in the U.S has provisions in place to train teachers to recognize these kinds of problems in children and offer dyslexic children special help to treat the conditions. Hence I feel that the dyslexic children in U.S have a much better chance of doing well in life than children in India.

I came across an article in Washington Post which talked about how the movie “Taare Zameen Par” drastically raised the awareness about dyslexia in India. After seeing the movie, many families and parents of dyslexic children, came out of their shell and were able to share their stories in the public and were also able to get help for their children.
One wonders what it will take to have all children in this world with learning disabilities learn at the same pace as a normal child. The choice of most educational systems in the world to educate and test children is written language. What if children were taught and tested orally? What if they were taught through music or through visual aids? What if all teachers in this world were trained to recognize these disabilities in children? What if appropriate remedial action was taken for all these children on time? What if the world thought of every child born into this world as equally capable? What if the whole world recognized that it is mainly through the child’s experiences during her childhood that she develops her intelligences. What if every child’s caregiver (eg: family, teachers etc) recognized that it is largely up to them to have their children grow up to be responsible citizens of this world? What if… What if….
Whenever I watch movies such as “Taare Zameen Par”, my thought train is endless….

Feelings matter April 8, 2009

I recently attended a very informative talk by Dr. Lisa Price who is prominent in the field of child and adult psychiatry. She spoke about the importance of regulating the feelings of children. Emotions and how the children deal with it is directly linked to everything that they do and how they do it. This may not come as a surprise to anyone – as adults, how many times have we not blamed our unproductiveness on our moods? Scientific research has also shown that how children deal with emotions is linked to how successful they are socially and academically too. How they deal with their emotions also matter to their self-esteem.

This is not to say that adults as caregivers/teachers of children should not let the child experience any negative emotions at all. The negative emotions can be overwhelming to the child but can help the child to understand their own feelings better. Understanding their own feelings is the first step towards regulating their emotions.

Caregivers (eg: parents and teachers) can help children to regulate their emotions even when the children are very young. Even for toddlers, the adults can play a big role in helping the them label their feelings. When an infant or a toddler is crying, she may not even know that she is sad. Helping the children to label their own feelings is the first step to helping them understand more complex emotions.

As adults involved with children, we could deal with a child’s emotions in a variety of ways. John Gottman in his book “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” talks about four different styles with which adults (eg: caregivers, teachers) deal with children’s emotions.
A “dismissing” adult considers the child’s emotions as insignificant. A “disapproving” adult not only dismisses the child’s emotions but also criticizes a child about her emotions. A “permissive” adult doesn’t dismiss or disapprove but also doesn’t help the child to problem solve their emotions. The ideal role that a adult can play in helping the child deal with her emotions is to be an “emotional coach”. An adult who is an emotional coach for a child sees the child’s feelings as a time to connect with the child. This adult understands the significance of the child’s feelings. The adult also understands that they don’t have to fix every problem for the child but realizes that just being there to listen to the child’s feelings and offer to help the child is by itself very beneficial to the child. John Gottman recommends the following five steps for emotion coaching.

1. Become aware of the child’s feeling
2. See the child’s feeling as a moment for connection and learning
3. Listen to what the child says with empathy and support their feelings
4. Assist the child to describe the feelings
5. When needed, set limits while looking for solutions for the current problem.

How a child deals with the emotions can vary among children based on their temperament. And it is also not easy to understand what issues matter to the children, especially when they are not able to or don’t want to express their feelings. One way for adults to figure out what matters to a child is to observe them during their pretend play. During pretend play, children tend to gravitate towards enacting issues that is on top of their minds. For example, I remember a instance when my daughter was four years old and used to draw pictures of dead people and Egyptian mummies. She was then obsessed with the concept of death. Although she used to ask me a lot of questions about death, I never realized how much it mattered to her until I saw her drawing these pictures everyday.

On the whole, the richness of the emotional environment during childhood matters. The more their emotional needs are addressed, more vocabulary they develop to express their emotion, which will help them later on in life.

Sour mood days April 5, 2009

I usually know immediately when I’m having one of those ‘sour mood’ days because as soon as my mood turns sour, I tell myself – “watch what you do or say now, don’t let this affect others around you”. Nothing else matters to me more during my sour mood than how I react to Anusha . For, my sour mood chooses to demonstrate itself at the most unacceptable moments of all – when I’m having some of my most precious moments with her.

The other day, my sour mood decides to show up during her violin practice. It has already required some convincing on my part that day for her to start practicing. By the time she starts I am already thinking – ‘how many more years will it be by the time she starts practicing on her own? I don’t know whether I can go on like this for any longer…’

Her teacher has assigned her a new song – ‘Bourree’ by G.F.Handel. It’s a beautiful piece and we both love the song. She has heard this song play on a CD many times and knows the tune in her heart. Left to herself and her awesome auditory skills, she’ll probably figure out the notes to play on the violin without even looking at the written music. But the goal that her teacher has set is for her to learn to play while reading the music in her book. She knows how to read music but not very fluently. She wants to succumb to her human nature and take the easy way out – play to the sound of it rather than the look of it. The only thing that is in her way today is her mother – looking quite dangerous in her sour mood.

Before she starts to play she looks at my face and realizes that things may become quite grim today. So, she says,
“Amma, you’ve promised me that you’ll not shout at me”
“I know sweetie pie. And you’ve promised me that you’re going to try your best, right”, I say.
“Yes, Amma”. But she is not convinced – by both our promises to each other. I can see it in her eyes.

She first practices some warm-up songs and some older lessons. As we turn the page to the “Bourree” and she plays the first note, she is aware of my keen eyes trying to track the notes in her music book. I can just feel it – instead of focusing on the music, she is focusing on when I’m going to say something to her. I now close my eyes and try my best to hear some music but all I can hear is noise. I tell myself to calm down my anger and she tries to calm down her tears. We both succeed this time.

We decide to try our parts again – playing the music in the book and be an encouraging parent respectively. I close my eyes again and still hear only noise. I give up trying to calm myself down and say in a loud voice -
“Why aren’t you using your brain a little – think and play”.
I’m also a little frustrated with her posture. I adjust her violin so that the shoulder rest on the violin sits firmly on her shoulder, but I wish I could have been more gentle when I did that.

By now, she is in tears and that irritates me even more.
I say to her condescendingly, “How many times have I told you that it is okay to make a mistake but not okay if you don’t try?”
“Amma, you promised me that you are not going to shout”, she says softly.
“Yes, I promised. But you promised me that you’re going to try”, I say.

She now decides that she is better off focusing on her music. We continue to dig through the music. I’m now focusing on toning down my voice and temper. We get through the practice without any more outbursts, especially from my side. But this practice session has left both of us exhausted. I’m not only exhausted but quite unhappy with myself. Why in the world could I not control myself? Is that too much to ask? I know what such kind of pressure can do to a child’s love for learning. Forget love for learning, I’m not even sure whether she learnt anything today. I usually forget most of the things that I learn under external pressure.

I walk to my room, cover my head in a pillow and question myself about my behavior. Somewhere in the middle of my thoughts, I realize that I have more important things to do. I walk back to Anusha’s room and hug her.
“I’m sorry sweetie pie”, I say, “I have been in a horrible mood today. But that is still not a good excuse for what I did. I know that you’re trying your best while practicing your music”
“I’m sorry Amma, because I don’t think I tried hard at the beginning”, she says.
“I think that you’re doing a great job”, I say to her. “It is me, I shouldn’t be so hard on you. Can you tell me one thing? Do you think you’re losing your love for music because I shout at you sometimes when you’re practicing?”.
Her answer to that question amazes me, “I enjoy everything that I do with you Amma, because I love you so much”.

We then discuss various ways other ways she could practice music. I try to convince her that she doesn’t really need me around when she is practicing. She could do it on her own and call me only when she needs me to clarify something for her. She doesn’t seem so convinced with this idea but she nods her head in agreement. We then hug each other again and I think to myself again – “I hope that day arrives when she starts practicing on her own”.
It’s not that I don’t normally enjoy being with her when she is practicing. But she is such an independent learner in most of the other things she does daily. And I’m hoping that her independent-mindedness will extend soon to her music too.

Book review: Motivated Minds – Raising Children to Love learning April 5, 2009

While it is true that the schools play a central role in developing the love of learning in children, the role of the parents is crucial too. It is true that parents cannot spend the same amount of time as teachers in helping their children learn. But there are some very simple non-time-consuming strategies that the parents can use with their children which will help to increase their children’s motivation to learn better at their schools. Making parents’ aware of such strategies is the focus of this book, “Motivated Minds – Raising Children to Love Learning”. Deborah Stipek, one of the authors of this book is the dean of the School of Education at Stanford. The co-author is Kathy Seal who is a journalist and has written about education and psychology for many years. The authors offer a lot of practical wisdom which most importantly are also proven by research. While everything they have to offer in this book has been proven by research, the book is by no means a boring list of evidence from research which the parents have to plough through to find what they need. It is filled with many interesting examples and anecdotes from their own life about situations which commonly occur with children and how parents can overcome them.
I enjoyed reading the book thoroughly. I myself had developed many strategies in the past few years to deal with situations where my daughter was at the risk of losing interest in a certain activity if appropriate action was not taken. This book helped me confirm some of my strategies and went a step further in helping me learn more of them.
For example, the book talks about how “nothing motivates children more than competence”. I have seen this happen with my daughter many times. When she takes up a new type of activity which is hard to learn, she sometimes gives up after a few tries and is afraid to go back and try the same fearing that she will not be able master it. For example, this used to happen often when she tried to play a new song in violin which was above her current skill level. Each of those times I have had to walk a fine line of not being pushy yet convincing her to practice enough to be able to play the song and develop a healthy attitude of perseverance. Each time, when she was able to play the song after some practice, she has derived motivation to play the violin even more due to her successes and her competence in the skills needed. The parents’ role in helping children develop this persistence is crucial I feel, and this book talks about that. This book goes one step further and says that not only does competence motivate children to learn something but “feeling competent is as important as competence itself”. For, a child may be very good at doing something but may not feel confident about it. Feeling confident about being able to do something is of extreme importance because the child may otherwise not try on his/her own to learn tougher skills in that area, otherwise. This book gives strategies to overcome such obstacles to learning.

The above is just one example of how this book helped me clarify the effective strategies in some of the situations that I face regularly with my daughter. There are many more such strategies in this book which apply to parents of children of any age. In short, you now never have to feel at a loss when you are not sure how to overcome the obstacles to your child being motivated to learn either at school or at an after-school activity. With this book, you will have a very credible, useful and practical resource to refer to for effective strategies and apply it to the situation you may be facing.